


Don't Let Your Demons Consume You

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Basically if you've watched up to season three you should be good, Communication, Depression, Depressive Episode, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Keith also struggles with depression, Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, Langst, M/M, Scratching, Slight Canon Divergence, Triggers, and prior lack thereof, basic disregard for life, hardly any spoilers, momentarily suicidal attempt kind of, set sometime in season two I think?, trigger warning, vaguely implied cutting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 12:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14934593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: Lance is struggling without his medications and the others don't understand and it results in him sinking into a depressive episode.





	Don't Let Your Demons Consume You

**Author's Note:**

> This took me so many hours to finish oh my goodness. I had it half done yesterday but I've still been working on the last half and editing all day.  
> Look at that title. Think it's long enough to be a Fall Out Boy song?  
> anyways, I got the idea off tumblr I think but I couldn't find it again so if anyone could point me in the right direction so I can give them credit it'd be greatly appreciated!  
> This story deals with pretty heavy depressive episodes and poor coping skills. Please proceed with caution and don't feel like you can't back out at any point if it gets overwhelming. I care way more about people taking care of themselves than some stupid reviews.  
> I do apologize for any out of characterizations.  
> follow up note, I know I tagged klance for all you klangst fans, but it's really vague and can be taken as just friends becuz the focus is more on mental health than building relationahips

Fingers snapped in Lance’s vision. Lance blinked tiredly, tilting his head away from the hand suddenly in his face out of surprise. “Dude, what the hell?”

Pidge crossed her arms. “Maybe if you were focused, we wouldn’t have to scare you to get your attention, Lance. Come on, this is important so if you could stop daydreaming about girls for like, ten minutes-”

“Pidge,” Shiro said warningly, cutting her off.

Pidge rolled her eyes and turned back to Allura. “Continue.”

Lance’s skin was hot with embarrassment and he really wished he could just go back to bed. He hadn’t meant to daze off, he just hadn’t slept well the night before. He… honestly, kept having nightmares. The thought of losing one if his teammates or Earth being targeted was really getting to him. Even the thought of that right now terrified him. He wasn’t sure how long they had been out here, but the other paladins and their two alien friends were basically his family now. He was certain he’d feel their loss about as deeply as losing one of his siblings.

It didn’t help that they’d basically been taken off Earth with zero warning. Which, of course, meant that Lance couldn’t have brought his medicine with him. Even if he had, by this point it would be out anyways. There were other ways of focusing himself, and it was incredibly helpful in training and battle, but otherwise his ADHD was just a nuisance. He had been tempted to tell his friends multiple times about it, but he was scared they’d react poorly. What if they thought he was lying or making excuses? What if they thought it was stupid and didn’t understand? He had never told Hunk before because he was on meds and it didn’t seem important. Now, that just added to the likelihood no one would believe him. 

_ “Lance!  _ For… have you heard a single thing any of us have said?” Keith demanded in total exasperation. 

Lance’s wide eyes flickered between the other Voltron members. All of them were disapproving and staring. He forced his eyes to stare intently at his shoes. His hands trembled just slightly enough as the emotions started pouring through his system. His skin felt gross and sweaty but his blood was ice. 

“No.” His voice was so soft, preparing for more harsh words. He really was trying to keep a passive face anyways, looking back up to meet their eyes. He could see Hunk’s worried face, so he offered a little smile for reassurance. Lance was A-Okay.

“Get it together, already. Could you just be serious for once in your life? I’m really tired of everyone caring more than you seem to.” Keith snapped.

Every muscle in Lance’s body tensed. It was a trick he learned early on to control anger and other harsh emotions. He’d stay stiff until the feeling passed so no one would notice and he wouldn’t act out. At this moment, he was desperately holding at bay a wave of tears. 

****

Lance’s lion was really taking a beating. He kept calling for help, but no one could spare the time to come for him. Hunk was closer to Pidge who had been taking a lot of fire so he opted to help her out, telling Lance to hold on just a little longer until someone could make it over there.

The longer Lance waited, the further the drones and enemy ships were driving him from the rest of the team. Blue couldn’t take much more. Warning lights were already flaring and he doubted he had very long before she just flat out shut down. A few well-placed shot Lance couldn’t dodge proved his theory. He was a sitting duck.

It had been his fault they couldn’t form Voltron. He was positive. They were supposed to focus on the mission, on forming Voltron but… he just kept hearing all those negative thoughts. Past insults from school, and now, harsh words from his friends. He didn’t mean to let it get to him so much… he just didn’t know how to make it stop. Maybe he deserved this. Maybe it was better for the team. If Lance died, they could just find another paladin who could actually do their job.

He stopped crying over their communications, just sitting frozen in his seat. Nobody was coming, he was going to die. A thought took over him. At the very least, he could evacuate his lion and draw the line of fire to himself to give his team long enough to get Blue to safety. 

“Guys, we need to fall back!” Shiro commanded.

Lance almost laughed as he came out of his lion. “Yeah, I’m not going anywhere. Blue shut down on me.”

An exasperated sigh and an order for Hunk to fetch Lance and Blue was sent. Lance hardly heard them over the sound of drone fire aiming for him. He was still largely blocked by Blue’s leg so only some of his body was impacted. The yellow lion finally arrived and Lance flew inside before Blue was grabbed in Yellow’s mouth. 

Hunk was oddly quiet on the way back to the castle. Everyone was probably a little shaken by all that. Lance had been expecting some confused questions as to what he was doing outside his lion. Maybe Hunk just didn’t care.

Almost immediately upon trying to walk into the castle, Lance collapsed, white hot pain shooting up his leg. It was so terrible, he couldn’t even see. In fact, he was almost sure he blacked out.

When he woke up, he was tumbling out of the cryopod. Absolutely no one was waiting around for him, he discovered when he finally got his bearings. 

There was the probability they were all asleep, but Lance was starving. He wandered over to the kitchen area, trying to not allow more insecurity to riddle him. Even though it was really feeling a whole lot like nobody gave a damn. The last time he was in the cryopod, the same thing happened.

The idea that his team just needed some sleep went out the window the second he entered the dining room. Everyone was gathered there and eating away. There was typically more talking during a meal, but it was usually Lance’s voice. Lance took his usual seat between Hunk and Keith and Hunk slid him a plate of some unidentifiable alien substance. Lance dug in without hesitating. Months of eating weird food made a person really lower inhibitions and throw a lot of caution to the wind eating wise.

After a few more minutes of silence, Lance looked up surprised to see everyone staring at him. “What?”

“What the hell was that out there Lance?” Keith finally spoke up.

“You really scared us, man. I thought… I thought you were going to die.” Hunk said solemnly.

Lance wanted to scoff. “Oh, so now I’m important?”

He hadn’t meant to say that out loud and oh God their faces right now this was bad, shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. He immediately turned back to his food, appetite gone. He stood up quickly, not sure what he was doing, but he needed out of this situation and fast. Out before they could see him cry he couldn’t let them see him cry-

“I… I’m really tired, I think I’m going to bed now,” and all but ran out of the room before anyone could stop him. Not that they would.

He found himself in some random, empty room. He wasn’t going to risk someone actually coming after him and finding him crying. He wasn’t going to be called weak on top of everything else.

_ Pathetic, waste of space and time, idiot, never takes anything serious, ruining all our plans, moron, imbecile, class clown, impulsive, good for nothing, trash- _

He stuffed his palm against his teeth, painfully pinching his lips but he didn’t care, he just had to stifle the sounds of his sobbing. His other hand was already frantically tugging at the fabric of the bodysuit. He just wanted to rip it open, get at his skin, and tear himself apart. He could feel all their doubts and cruel words like lacerations to his heart. Here he didn’t have to pretend it didn’t sting. Here he didn’t have to bite his tongue and fake his million watt smile. Here he could let the bubbling agony pour from him like his tears welling over and purifying his body of toxins. 

Nobody ever fucking cared and how could Lance blame them? It wasn’t like he himself cared for Lance Mclain.  _ He hated Lance.  _

He finally wrenched the top half of the bodysuit down, tearing the back in his desperation, and it flopped into his lap limply. His fingers clung to his skin, twisting and pulling, digging and clawing, he just had to feel some sort of grounding pain to take it all away. Red welts were raked into his arms and abdomen and he didn’t even care. He could feel the heat of distress seeping out through the new, physical pain. He let his arms fall to his sides and slumped back against the wall, a new kind of exhaustion filling him in the absence of panicked hysteria. He just wanted to sleep so badly and his eyelids were so heavy. A little nap wouldn’t hurt. The others didn’t need him anyways. 

His breathing slowed and he was almost asleep when he heard the whoosh of the door sliding open. He blinked groggily at a very ashen-faced Keith. Keith stumbled forward slowly, almost as if in a daze before falling to his knees in front of Lance.

“Oh my God…  _ Lance,  _ what did you do?” Keith’s whisper barely penetrated Lance’s conscious, he was too tired to care about anything. Besides, he wasn’t about to stay awake for another lecture on how much he was awful and screwed up. 

Except Keith was barely holding back tears, a mixture of so much hurt and horror on his face, as he pulled Lance into his arms, cradling him so gently like Lance was about to fall apart. Lance couldn’t help but snuggle into Keith’s chest. The boy was so warm and comfortable and Lance only had the sharp sting on his icy excuse for skin to keep warm. Hands were running through his hair so kind and consoling. Lance was maybe crying again or just falling asleep, he wasn’t sure. At least the voices trying to put him to death and rip him open from the inside out had quieted down. Maybe he had done something right for once? That was all that mattered.

“Lance, hey, come on I need you to stay awake, alright?” Keith murmured softly, patting Lance’s face with an almost delicate hand. The cold leather of Keith’s fingerless glove felt really good on his cheek and Lance smiled blearily.

“Sure.” he managed even though everything inside him was ready to shut down. He had to obey orders. Did Keith have the authority to give him orders? That was too many questions and Lance was so tired. 

Something hard was pressing against his bruised lips, a hand tilting his face up. When he opened his mouth just slightly, lukewarm water trickled in. His stomach rebelled at that, but he drank it anyways. Someone was whispering to him, but Lance was so used to the background chatter in his head, he kept dismissing it as such. He really just wanted to focus on the task of drinking this water. 

The glass was taken away and a uncomfortably warm, wet cloth was being dabbed onto his chest and arms. He hissed in distaste, trying to flinch away. Keith’s fingers tightened around the part of his shoulder that was unharmed to keep Lance still. 

“I know it hurts, but you have to let me clean them. I don’t want them to get infected. So please just hold still.” Keith sighed, and went back to his task.

Lance didn’t feel like arguing, so he just allowed himself to fall asleep in Keith’s arms.

****

When he woke up, Keith had a bowl of tomato soup. Lance jolted upright and gawked at it. “Is that actually…?”

Keith smiled wryly, offering it to him, “Yeah.”

Lance wanted to ask how Keith had gotten it but suddenly the smell made his stomach roll. He really wasn’t hungry. He just wanted to sleep… for maybe the rest of his life? Keith gave a sad sigh.

“Listen, I’m not afraid to spoon feed you so please… Just try to eat a little. Your body needs this.” Keith insisted, holding it out even closer to Lance for him to take.

Lance cradled the bowl to his chest, appreciating the warmth flooding over him from the steam. After staring at it for a few moments, he looked back up, “Why are you doing this? Why… do you even care?”

That made Keith frown deeply. “Lance, we  _ all  _ care about you. I know your head is telling you differently but you’re our family. You’re my…” Keith fumbled for a minute, clearly trying to find a word for his feelings. “I don’t know… I guess, friend? I just… have strong feelings about you, and they aren’t negative. I care about you because you’re funny and strong and you always do your best. You smile no matter how mean someone is to you. The world needs… people like you. People like you make this war worth fighting. If the world was full of people like Zarkon… there’d be no point.”

“How do you know what I’m thinking?” Lance finally asked, trying really hard to not overthink what Keith had said. 

“Because I’ve been there. If you eat the stupid soup, I’ll tell you. Deal?” Keith offered.

Lance hesitantly raised a spoonful to his mouth with a slow nod.

“I don’t really have a family waiting for me at home,” Keith started. This wasn’t new information, but Lance realized he didn’t actually know much about it. “My mom left when I was very young. I don’t remember her. And my dad died a few years ago. After I lost him, the only focus I really had was school. Outside of that, I sort of became pretty depressed. I didn’t really have any friends looking out for me. I had to figure out how to pull myself out of episodes. I’m not telling you this for sympathy. I had a rough situation… but it turned out alright. I ended up here with people that care. And I know I have a hard time letting you guys in, but you all mean a lot to me.” 

Lance was a little stunned, maybe that’s why the first words out of his mouth sounded so defensive, “I’m not depressed.”

Keith snorted, but it lacked any mocking cruelty. “Increased exhaustion, difficulty focusing-” 

“No, that’s just my ADHD.” Lance blurted in his rush to refute any point to Keith’s argument.

Keith froze. “Oh. I didn’t… well, risking your life, spending hours crying instead of talking to someone about it, decreased appetite, spending less time with your friends, and…” Lance could practically see Keith’s struggle with the words, staring intently at Lance’s marred arms. He was just grateful this time he was wearing a shirt. Keith huffed and held up Lance’s wrist, “This.”

“This was a one time thing.” Lance lied lamely, rubbing his arms self consciously.

One look at Keith’s face and Lance knew he didn’t buy it. “First of all, you- you don’t do all this damage in one sitting your first time. Secondly, I saw your legs when I was…” Keith trailed off, flushing. Lance looked down at his clothes and realized he hadn’t been wearing them when he fell asleep. His face heated up as well. “Look, I’m not trying to jump down your throat about it. I just care about you, and it hurts to see that your hurting so much and not talking to any of us about it. I don’t think we can magically make it all better, but we can help. We want to help, Lance. Please?” 

“I’d rather the others didn’t know about this. They’ll just see it as another weakness-” Lance mumbled.

Keith pressed his lips together and sighed through his nose, “Lance… none of use think you’re weak. You were the  _ first  _ paladin, our sharpshooter. You held off a ton of drones and ships on your own while Shiro had to help me and Hunk helped Pidge. We all have our downsides, but we also have strengths, and you have a ton of them, okay? So instead of trying to soldier through this on your own, let us in.”

Lance hugged himself, lowering his gaze. Just this simple, serious conversation was putting him on edge. Everyone was supposed to think he was happy, fine, perfect, peachy… Keith seeing through that was… nerve wracking. “I-I want to. I’m just scared.”

Keith smiled gently like he understood what that was like. Lance couldn’t hardly fathom Keith being scared of anything. “That’s okay. We can tell them together, okay? You don’t have to go through this alone anymore.”

Lance set his soup on the stand next to his fan and lunged forward to engulf Keith in a hug. Gratefulness was bubbling rapidly in his chest. Keith’s arms tentatively wrapped around Lance’s waist. Something about the contact released some hard tension in Lance’s chest that he hadn’t notice existed until it dispersed. When was the last time he had been hugged or hugged someone else? He couldn’t remember. 

“Thank you, Keith. Can I ask you something?” Lance pulled away reluctantly. Keith wasn’t huge on contact and he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

“As soon as you take another bite.” Keith smiled almost teasingly.

Lance acquiesced and forced himself to swallow before asking, “Do you still… like struggle with this stuff? And how did you cope with it?”

Keith bit his lip, suddenly interested in his nails. “Yeah,” he said after a few beats. “Every day, actually. Don’t get me wrong, some days are easier than others. Staying busy helps, and music. I tend to feel better if I’ve been productive. Which is why I train so much. And eating regular meals and staying hydrated. Taking good care of your body. Your skin care routine is actually a really good method for coping. People with depression struggle with half-decent hygiene because they… we tend to lack the energy to bother. Just… don’t go overboard with it. Don’t train for hours because the first three didn’t make you feel better. If something isn’t working, try something else.” 

“You’re smarter than you look.” Lance grinned with a playful shove. 

He knew Keith saw straight through his lighten-the-mood attempts, but the boy played along. “Thanks. How’d you like to join me in a few rounds on the training deck when you’re done eating?”

“I’d love that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are super appreciated.  
> And for those of you that identified with Lance's character in any manner and are also feeling alone or are not currently seeking some professional help, please consider it. If someone won't listen, keep trying and don't give up because of a few ignorant people who don't take mental health seriously. People care, I care about you. Don't let the depression win. You are all strong enough to fight it. Love you.  
> American suicide hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  
> Text CONNECT to 741741 in the US to speak to a Crisis Counselor anytime over text.  
> There are centers for mental health all over the US. Please seek some kind of help. You don't have to go through this alone.


End file.
